Q:Why is santa’s sack so big?
A:Because he only comes once a year!

Q:Why are strippers like condoms?
A:Because they’re always in your wallet and never on your dick!

Q) What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A) *make choking/gagging sound*

Here’s one for potheads:
Q:Whats the most common word in the stoner’s vocabulary?
A: (to be said in that weird frog voice you have when you’re holding in a big rip and passing the pipe/joint) Here!

Q:How do you know if your girlfriend’s getting fat?
A:She fits into your wife’s clothes.

Q: What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: A lickalotopus

Q: Why do Santa and Mrs. Claus have no children?
A: Because Santa only cums once a year and that’s down a chimney!

A young woman asked her mom one day, “How do I keep guys off me?” and her mom replied “Ask him what the baby’s name will be”. So the next day she goes to a party and asks guys who are hitting on her, “What will the baby’s name be?” This gets rid of them in a hurry. Then one guy dances with her and she asks, “What will the baby’s name be?” So he takes her upstairs and when they’re done she asks again, “What will the baby’s name be?” He then removes his condom, ties it at the top and says, “If the baby gets out of this, call him Houdini”

So a blonde and a brunette are sitting in an office and a delivery guy walks in with a huge bouquet of flowers for the brunette and she says ” oh my god there from my boyfriend and it’s not even my birthday! I’m going to be on back with my legs in the air for at least a week!” and the blonde says “sorry honey, don’t you have a vase?”

Q:So what’s the difference between a stripper and a terrorist?
A:Terrorists are willing to negotiate.

Q:What’s black and blue and floating down the river?
A:Some guy that told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: Why don’t Witches wear panties?
A: Makes it easier to grip the broomstick…

Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, a smart blonde, and a stripper are walking down the street when they spot a $100 on the ground. Who gets it?
Nobody. The first four don’t exist and the stripper thought it was a gum wrapper.

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, ‘My son is a Priest. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Father’. The second one chirps ‘My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, everyone says ‘your Grace’.’ The third Catholic lady says smugly, ‘My son is a Cardinal. When he walks into a room, everyone says ‘Your Eminence’.’ The fourth Catholic lady sips her coffee in silence. The first three ladies all ask, ‘Well…?’ She replies, ‘My son is a 6′ 2’ hard-bodied stripper, and hung like a rhino. When he walks into a room, everyone says, ‘Oh, my God…’

Why is it when a man talks nasty to a women it’s sexual harassment.
But when a women talks nasty to a man it’s $3.99 a minute.

A woman walks into a store and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra-large condoms.
The pharmacist replies, ”Yes, would you like to buy one?”
The woman replies, ”No sir, but do you mind if I stand here and wait to see if anyone buys one?”

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are you shakin’ for man she’s going to EAT ME

A pirate walks into a bar and orders an ale. The bartend stares at him as he pours the drink and says “Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?” The pirate looks at him with his good eye and says”Arg, I know. It’s drivin’ me nuts”!

Q: What do a tornado and a woman have in common?

A:They both moan when they come and take the house when they leave.

A guy is walking down the strip in vegas. He stumples upon the cards that say ” Hot sex direct to your room.” So he goes home turns the lights down low and picks up the phone. A sexy voice on the other line say ” Hello, how may I help you?” He says I want you to put on your sexiest nightie, bring a banana, a snorkel, some vasoline and a sling shot. How does that sound? She says great but you have to dial 9 to get a line first!

A guy is driving down the highway with 10 penguins in the back of his car. A cop pulls him over and says you gotta take those penguins to the zoo right away! He agrees. The next day same guy gets pulled over with the penguins in the back of his car all wearing sunglasses. The cop says I though I told you to take these penguins to the zoon. He says I did and today we are going to the beach!

think i should tell you what people are saying behind your back.……. Nice Ass!!!!!!

A charge nurse is doing her orientation at a hospital. She is walking room to room she looks in the first room and sees a male patient viciously masterbating. She asks what’s wrong with that guy? The lady orientating her tells her he has a rare blood condition and if he doesn’t get off 10 times a day his testicles will swell up and explode. She nods and says indeed. The next room she sees a patient getting felatio from a gorgeous nurse. She asks and the lady tells her oh same condition better health coverage.